Portugal: Off-brand Spain?

Plucky Portugal is located in Western Spain, and claims a culture, language and cuisine that are quite distinct from the rest of the nation.

Portuguese independence activists point to the many periods in their "nation's" history when it was not under Spanish dominion, including periods of Roman, French, Gothic, Vandal, Moorish and historically-displaced Nazi rule.

Portugal's proud history of equal-opportunity subjugation carries through in its varied architecture, timely train system and a national awareness that the outside world is unlikely to ask anything of them that would interfere with their universal habit of following a breakfast glass of wine with a jug at lunch and a bottle with dinner. Consider the Paulisario Front quietly impressed.

Colonialism is like a knife - it cuts both ways
Not always content with serving, then as now, as a holiday camp for Europe's wealthier nations (and the Vandals, who just let themselves in while everyone was enjoying their evening litre of red), Portugal struck back, colonising and leaving their almost-Spanish imprint on Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Mozambique and Angola. Today, these nations are held together in a sort of knock-off commonwealth by their mangled Spanish and a shared belief in the tastiness of cassava. Except for Mozambique which, holding a finger to the historical wind, asked if it could pretend it had been colonised by England.

Not only did Portugal's colonies provide it with a wealth of cassava and imitation rum, they made it, briefly, wealthy enough to construct large monuments to the wealth they possessed prior to spending it on large monuments. Part of these celebrations, the UNESCO-listed Belem tower, above, was originally built on the bank of the river, as part of a forward-looking plan to provide future generations with a visual metaphor for the effect of history's rising tide on the influence of the Portuguese state.

So, that's where Portugal stands today in its quest for nationhood. Was the Paulisario Front persuaded?

The Criteria

(a) Population - An engaging mix of colonised and colonising, all admirably committed to the consumption of vast quantities of booze from the early hours of the morning.

(b) Territory - Some of Spain's prettier scenery lies in its Portuguese sub-region. Grape vines, tranquil rivers, cork trees and olive groves bisected by toy-town railways and EU-funded superhighways.

(c) Government - Portugal's government is committed to protecting its people by providing police with the latest in crime-fighting technology:

Only the ability to travel at speeds in excess of 25 kilometers per hour, or stairs, can save criminals from the long arm, and wheeled foot of the Portuguese law.

(d) Ability to engage in diplomacy - From Vasco De Gama (literally: "Vasco, the Gama") and his gunboat diplomacy to the modern day strategy of lulling opponents into a true sense of security, Portugal has always been a diplomatic powerhouse.



(aa) Delicious, or hilarious food - Yes.










Oh yes.
See also, surprisingly tasty tripe, a beguiling bread and oil stew, black pudding, braised limpets, a veritable ocean of sardines and the Inquisition's ultimate anti-Jewish weapon, a dish made from pork and clams.

Marks off for the fairly despicable national spirit, aguardente, which both sounds and tastes like something you'd store your false teeth in overnight.

(bb) Fauna - Unfulfilled promises of Lynxes, and a strange national obsession with caged birds:

















(cc) National customs - Pleasingly off-beat language, such a large number of limping or encrutched passers-by that we began to think it might be the national sport, university students who wear academic gowns into town. It'll do.

(dd) One hundred and eighty pounds return for the entire membership of the Paulisario Front. Cheap at twice the price.

The Verdict

Portugal scores an impressive seven out of eight under the expanded Montevideo Criteria and gets itself a seat in the general assembly and on the WHO committee for reducing alcoholism.

Well done Portugal, the Paulisario Front Salutes you.

Note: The Portuguese do not, in fact, drink Port, preferring to export it to England and foist it on tourists at giveaway prices. Discovering this is a little like going to Iceland and finding the whole place has thawed, or going to France and having people be polite to you. On that note, look forward to our post from Paris next month.