Next on the Paulisario Front's list of would-be nations is Wales, whose claims to independence are not so much plucky as actually deranged.
Like Portugal, the Welsh have long suffered under the jackboot, thumb and ultimately checkbook of their colonial oppressors. This experience has left them keen to emphasise their cultural distinctness from England, and to solicit large grants to etch slogans proclaiming that difference on a stretch of disused waterfront (or "Cardiff", as the Welsh call it).
Hailing from neither England nor Wales, the Paulisario Front can't help thinking that the Welsh have latched on to the wrong indicia of independence (perhaps someone should have shown them the Montevideo Convention). Claiming that your "country" puts a slightly different blend of offal in its sausages, has a different recipe for fruit cake, serves its beer a degree or two closer to simmering, or laments the failure of a different rugby team does not a nation make. No amount of sloganeering, local government, and grandiose claims that "Roald Dahl was born here (before making a swift and stealthy escape)" will get you over the nationhood hump, Wales. For that, you need to focus on what makes you truly and deeply strange. The Paulisario Front, being comprised entirely of ex-debaters, has identified three such factors:
1) The "Welsh" "Language"
Like the Portuguese limp, the Welsh language is either an elaborate practical joke, grounds for sincere sympathy, or both.
When faced with an entire nation apparently brought to you by the letter L, the Paulisario Front's initial reaction was one of incredulity - surely a modern, first world nation couldn't have committed so absolutely to such an impossibly convoluted and unpronounceable language. A few hours observing Welsh industry at work convinced me that my first instinct was both correct and irrelevant.
[To be continued...]
Puncturing dreams of self determination with the pointy end of the Montevideo Criteria
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Portugal: Off-brand Spain?
Plucky Portugal is located in Western Spain, and claims a culture, language and cuisine that are quite distinct from the rest of the nation.
Portuguese independence activists point to the many periods in their "nation's" history when it was not under Spanish dominion, including periods of Roman, French, Gothic, Vandal, Moorish and historically-displaced Nazi rule.
Portugal's proud history of equal-opportunity subjugation carries through in its varied architecture, timely train system and a national awareness that the outside world is unlikely to ask anything of them that would interfere with their universal habit of following a breakfast glass of wine with a jug at lunch and a bottle with dinner. Consider the Paulisario Front quietly impressed.
Colonialism is like a knife - it cuts both ways
Not always content with serving, then as now, as a holiday camp for Europe's wealthier nations (and the Vandals, who just let themselves in while everyone was enjoying their evening litre of red), Portugal struck back, colonising and leaving their almost-Spanish imprint on Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Mozambique and Angola. Today, these nations are held together in a sort of knock-off commonwealth by their mangled Spanish and a shared belief in the tastiness of cassava. Except for Mozambique which, holding a finger to the historical wind, asked if it could pretend it had been colonised by England.
Not only did Portugal's colonies provide it with a wealth of cassava and imitation rum, they made it, briefly, wealthy enough to construct large monuments to the wealth they possessed prior to spending it on large monuments. Part of these celebrations, the UNESCO-listed Belem tower, above, was originally built on the bank of the river, as part of a forward-looking plan to provide future generations with a visual metaphor for the effect of history's rising tide on the influence of the Portuguese state.
So, that's where Portugal stands today in its quest for nationhood. Was the Paulisario Front persuaded?
The Criteria
(a) Population - An engaging mix of colonised and colonising, all admirably committed to the consumption of vast quantities of booze from the early hours of the morning.
(b) Territory - Some of Spain's prettier scenery lies in its Portuguese sub-region. Grape vines, tranquil rivers, cork trees and olive groves bisected by toy-town railways and EU-funded superhighways.
(c) Government - Portugal's government is committed to protecting its people by providing police with the latest in crime-fighting technology:
Only the ability to travel at speeds in excess of 25 kilometers per hour, or stairs, can save criminals from the long arm, and wheeled foot of the Portuguese law.
(d) Ability to engage in diplomacy - From Vasco De Gama (literally: "Vasco, the Gama") and his gunboat diplomacy to the modern day strategy of lulling opponents into a true sense of security, Portugal has always been a diplomatic powerhouse.
(aa) Delicious, or hilarious food - Yes.
Oh yes.
See also, surprisingly tasty tripe, a beguiling bread and oil stew, black pudding, braised limpets, a veritable ocean of sardines and the Inquisition's ultimate anti-Jewish weapon, a dish made from pork and clams.
Marks off for the fairly despicable national spirit, aguardente, which both sounds and tastes like something you'd store your false teeth in overnight.
(bb) Fauna - Unfulfilled promises of Lynxes, and a strange national obsession with caged birds:
(cc) National customs - Pleasingly off-beat language, such a large number of limping or encrutched passers-by that we began to think it might be the national sport, university students who wear academic gowns into town. It'll do.
(dd) One hundred and eighty pounds return for the entire membership of the Paulisario Front. Cheap at twice the price.
The Verdict
Portugal scores an impressive seven out of eight under the expanded Montevideo Criteria and gets itself a seat in the general assembly and on the WHO committee for reducing alcoholism.
Well done Portugal, the Paulisario Front Salutes you.
Note: The Portuguese do not, in fact, drink Port, preferring to export it to England and foist it on tourists at giveaway prices. Discovering this is a little like going to Iceland and finding the whole place has thawed, or going to France and having people be polite to you. On that note, look forward to our post from Paris next month.
Portuguese independence activists point to the many periods in their "nation's" history when it was not under Spanish dominion, including periods of Roman, French, Gothic, Vandal, Moorish and historically-displaced Nazi rule.
Portugal's proud history of equal-opportunity subjugation carries through in its varied architecture, timely train system and a national awareness that the outside world is unlikely to ask anything of them that would interfere with their universal habit of following a breakfast glass of wine with a jug at lunch and a bottle with dinner. Consider the Paulisario Front quietly impressed.
Colonialism is like a knife - it cuts both ways
Not always content with serving, then as now, as a holiday camp for Europe's wealthier nations (and the Vandals, who just let themselves in while everyone was enjoying their evening litre of red), Portugal struck back, colonising and leaving their almost-Spanish imprint on Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Mozambique and Angola. Today, these nations are held together in a sort of knock-off commonwealth by their mangled Spanish and a shared belief in the tastiness of cassava. Except for Mozambique which, holding a finger to the historical wind, asked if it could pretend it had been colonised by England.
Not only did Portugal's colonies provide it with a wealth of cassava and imitation rum, they made it, briefly, wealthy enough to construct large monuments to the wealth they possessed prior to spending it on large monuments. Part of these celebrations, the UNESCO-listed Belem tower, above, was originally built on the bank of the river, as part of a forward-looking plan to provide future generations with a visual metaphor for the effect of history's rising tide on the influence of the Portuguese state.
So, that's where Portugal stands today in its quest for nationhood. Was the Paulisario Front persuaded?
The Criteria
(a) Population - An engaging mix of colonised and colonising, all admirably committed to the consumption of vast quantities of booze from the early hours of the morning.
(b) Territory - Some of Spain's prettier scenery lies in its Portuguese sub-region. Grape vines, tranquil rivers, cork trees and olive groves bisected by toy-town railways and EU-funded superhighways.
(c) Government - Portugal's government is committed to protecting its people by providing police with the latest in crime-fighting technology:
Only the ability to travel at speeds in excess of 25 kilometers per hour, or stairs, can save criminals from the long arm, and wheeled foot of the Portuguese law.
(d) Ability to engage in diplomacy - From Vasco De Gama (literally: "Vasco, the Gama") and his gunboat diplomacy to the modern day strategy of lulling opponents into a true sense of security, Portugal has always been a diplomatic powerhouse.
(aa) Delicious, or hilarious food - Yes.
Oh yes.
See also, surprisingly tasty tripe, a beguiling bread and oil stew, black pudding, braised limpets, a veritable ocean of sardines and the Inquisition's ultimate anti-Jewish weapon, a dish made from pork and clams.
Marks off for the fairly despicable national spirit, aguardente, which both sounds and tastes like something you'd store your false teeth in overnight.
(bb) Fauna - Unfulfilled promises of Lynxes, and a strange national obsession with caged birds:
(cc) National customs - Pleasingly off-beat language, such a large number of limping or encrutched passers-by that we began to think it might be the national sport, university students who wear academic gowns into town. It'll do.
(dd) One hundred and eighty pounds return for the entire membership of the Paulisario Front. Cheap at twice the price.
The Verdict
Portugal scores an impressive seven out of eight under the expanded Montevideo Criteria and gets itself a seat in the general assembly and on the WHO committee for reducing alcoholism.
Well done Portugal, the Paulisario Front Salutes you.
Note: The Portuguese do not, in fact, drink Port, preferring to export it to England and foist it on tourists at giveaway prices. Discovering this is a little like going to Iceland and finding the whole place has thawed, or going to France and having people be polite to you. On that note, look forward to our post from Paris next month.
Mission Statement
With the elevation of Kosovo to Nationhood last week, not only are there now too many countries claiming to be European (a problem dealt with in our previous blog), there are too many "countries" full stop.
Each month we, the members of the Paulisario Front, will target a would-be nation for admission to, or deletion from, the international community. We will be applying the tried and tested Montevideo Criteria, along with a few additional tests designed to meet the changing needs of international diplomacy.
Part I - Original criteria
A nation must have:
(a) A permanent population
(b) A defined territory
(c) A government
(d) The ability to enter into diplomatic relations
Careful readers will note that these criteria do not set the bar for nationhood particularly high, presumably reflecting the restriction that any test named after Uruguay not be so demanding as to undermine the host's own somewhat dubious claim to nationhood. Hence...
Part II - Supplementary criteria
A genuine nation should possess some or all of the following:
(a) Delicious and/or hilarious foodstuffs
(b) Attractive and/or hilarious native fauna
(c) Distinctive and/or hilarious national customs
(d) Within easy reach of London via hire car, channel tunnel or budget airline
Take your marks, aspiring UN general assembly delegates of the world, the race is on!
Note: As with Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, the categories in the title of this blog are either synonyms or antonyms depending on your level of education. Erudite and/or deluded readers should feel free to venture their own thoughts on the subject in the comments.
Also, "Polisario" is, heroically, an acronym and so "Paulisario" probably ought to be capitalised, but isn't going to be.
Each month we, the members of the Paulisario Front, will target a would-be nation for admission to, or deletion from, the international community. We will be applying the tried and tested Montevideo Criteria, along with a few additional tests designed to meet the changing needs of international diplomacy.
Part I - Original criteria
A nation must have:
(a) A permanent population
(b) A defined territory
(c) A government
(d) The ability to enter into diplomatic relations
Careful readers will note that these criteria do not set the bar for nationhood particularly high, presumably reflecting the restriction that any test named after Uruguay not be so demanding as to undermine the host's own somewhat dubious claim to nationhood. Hence...
Part II - Supplementary criteria
A genuine nation should possess some or all of the following:
(a) Delicious and/or hilarious foodstuffs
(b) Attractive and/or hilarious native fauna
(c) Distinctive and/or hilarious national customs
(d) Within easy reach of London via hire car, channel tunnel or budget airline
Take your marks, aspiring UN general assembly delegates of the world, the race is on!
Note: As with Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, the categories in the title of this blog are either synonyms or antonyms depending on your level of education. Erudite and/or deluded readers should feel free to venture their own thoughts on the subject in the comments.
Also, "Polisario" is, heroically, an acronym and so "Paulisario" probably ought to be capitalised, but isn't going to be.
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